OMG, I broke it.
I was sitting at my desk, the crutches leaning on the wall beside me, and they fell to the ground. I stared at them for a few seconds, just lying there. I picked them up, leaned them against the wall, and minutes later, they fell. I stared at them, let out a long sigh, moved them to the other side of my desk, leaned them up against the wall, and started to work once more. Guess what happened? They fell, again.
In my mind I was like ok, well just stay down there, but I couldn't leave them there, my OCD was kicking in, so this time I stood them up, leaned something against them to hold them, and that seemed to do the trick.
As I was typing up an email, HE began to speak to me...
No, not the crutches, HIM. "They fell three times, and it took them falling three times before you made sure they were secure. Why didn't you secure them the first time? Why did it take falling so many times for you to see they could not stand on their own?"
HE had been telling me, it's time to walk away from weddings, but an inquire would come in, and I'd book it. I mean, it was 85% of my income, and I've been broke before, and vowed to NEVER be there again, and letting go was hard. For the last two years, there were MANY obstacles, many tears, a lack of respect, and lack of value, not just from others, but from myself as well. I have to wonder if I'd just listened back then, would the outcome been different? Now as I sit here two weeks post knee surgery, remembering how my surgeon told me six months ago "You have to stop weddings, if you want to slow down the progression of the OA in your knees," but I went on shooting because some were booked 15months out and I had to finish. I am finally done, but here I was staring at two inquiries for destination weddings... I forwarded them to friends. Whew, I took a deep breath, and said, "You got this!"
Fear is your brains way of saying there is something important for you to overcome...
I asked myself daily, "Can I replace wedding income doing portraits, seriously?" Will your everyday person place value in what I do? Today, it hit me when I was thinking about the crutches falling. I can do it, I just have to get my footing, realize I can't do it on my own, I have an amazing team, awesome support and remember every time I have fallen, I got up stronger.
So sorry I will no longer be available to shoot your wedding, but I will photograph amazing portraits for you. Don't forget I know some amazing wedding photographers to refer, so feel free to ask me. I'm all about helping keep amazing images around forever.
I am a portrait photographer and honestly, I feel great about it,
Ps Life isn't creating roadblocks for you, YOU are. Get out of your own way, and go be Great!